


Jail Time

by csulliven



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Reveal, Sad, Suicidal Steve Rogers, Suicide Attempt, avengers find out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 12:21:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18738931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/csulliven/pseuds/csulliven
Summary: While the Avengers are relaxing one evening Tony has Jarvis tell a surprising fact about each Avenger. When they are told Steve has been to jail it leads to a surprising and heartbreaking reveal.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Mentions of suicide

When all of Shields files were leaked online there were files even Fury didn’t know existed. Files that dated back to before Shield to the SSR. The files were transferred online discreetly and no one knows who did it. There were files of all the SSR agents ranging from a secretary to Captain America. The man himself was offline searching some lead on his lost friend Bucky. Tony was working on rebuilding his Miami house and working on his relationship with Pepper. Clint was off grid no one except Natasha hearing from him since the fall of Shield. Natasha herself was bouncing around rebuilding herself and all her backup plans while checking on all of her teammates. Thor was off world, but would occasionally visit for festivities. Bruce alternated between staying with Tony in the tower and traveling as a medic.

When Shield fell no one expected it. It happened so fast that no one even had time to make it to DC. They saw Captain America being arrested on National Television and a couple hours later helicarriers were falling from the sky. Tony tried to get as many files off the internet as fast as he could, but once something was online it was always online. He didn’t look at the files other than some weapons blueprints, just downloaded it. Jarvis focused on getting the avengers files and weapons files off as many sites as he could. Those were the most dangerous.

Jarvis separated any information pertaining to each Avenger under their file. Tony didn’t notice that some of their files were larger than normal. Natasha’s file was expected. She had been involved in a lot of different things and wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. Hydra used that to their advantage. Clint’s file was surprisingly small. For most of his teenage years he seemed to completely disappear from everywhere. It wasn’t until his early twenties that he popped back up joining the military. Thor’s file was mostly just speculation and Tony’s had a lot of newspaper clippings making it by far the biggest. So Steve Rogers file not being the largest or the smallest didn’t cause anyone to bat an eye. 

A couple months after Shield fell Steve calls Tony. He found an active Hydra base that is to big for the team he has now. Natasha has already contacted Clint, but if Tony could get the rest of the Avengers together it would be helpful. Thor happens to be on earth when the call comes and is enthusiastic about joining. Bruce more reluctantly joins as well. Tony takes the two of them close to the base and meets Steve who has Natasha, Clint, and some man. Steve introduces Sam to the part of the team he hasn’t met, and Sam makes a comment about how Steve is crazy about just casually knowing Tony Stark. 

They successfully take down the Hydra base though it is a lot more difficult than some of the team expected. Tony goes to help Natasha collect files, and doesn’t know where Steve disappeared to, but when he shows up at the jet Tony doesn’t bat an eye. Tony invites them all back to the tower for drinks and some rest and relaxation. Steve initially turns him down, but when Sam complains about Steve taking away Sam’s bragging opportunities he gives in. They sit in the jet silent. Steve has a file in his hands and is looking between it and the computer. Sam is sitting next to him snoring. Steve isn’t bothered. 

When the jet arrives at the tower everyone is tired. They move towards the guest rooms sluggishly. They change out of their dirty clothes and shower before slowly making their way to the common room for a drink. Once they are all around the couch small conversations start up. Thor shares some of his asgardian ale with Steve and everyone could notice the visible change in him. He was a lot looser than before and smiled a little more often. After a while of talking Tony decided to have some fun.

“Jarvis? Tell us something surprising about each Avenger,” Everyone looked up curious to what the A.I. would say. 

“Natasha Romanov knows 24 languages,” Everyone looked at her as she shrugged.

“Clint Barton once lived inside a wall for 3 months,” He smiled as everyone shot him curious looks.

“You have to tell us the story,” Bruce looked impressed.

“Madrid, I acted like I haunted the place to scare someone out of hiding. Took three months. It was a weird three months,” Sam was about to ask a question, but Jarvis continued.

“Tony Stark knows 1059 digits of pi,” That got a couple of chuckles.

“Bruce Banner has been to 123 countries only 3 of those were legally entered,” Everyone knew why, but laughed when Bruce blushed.

“It’s okay, I didn’t start entering countries legally until recently,” Natasha tried to comfort Bruce, but got an incredulous stare instead.

“Thor once married a giant,” Tony spoke up.

“Okay Jarvis pause, I need to hear this,” Thor laughed before explaining.

“Aye, a giant attacked and stole my hammer Mjolnir. He wanted Freyja to marry him, however Freyja refused. I needed to get my hammer back, so I dressed up as Freyja and went to the altar instead. Now this particular giant was mostly blind and I had a thick veil on so he couldn’t tell the difference. That night I took Mjolnir back and killed him. The look on his face when he realized who he married was hilarious. Caused even the most stoic warriors chuckles,” Everyone laughed and Tony told Jarvis to continue.

“Steve Rogers once spent a month in jail,” Everyone turned to look at him. The relaxed state he was in was completely gone. There was tension in every fiber of his body and his face had become stoney. 

“What did the great Captain America do to spend a month in jail, and why did no one know about it?” Tony spoke up, but looked sheepish when Natasha shot him a glare.

“I’m going to head to bed, it’s been a long couple of months,” Steve slipped off without saying another word. 

“Don’t push it,” Sam spoke up and everyone turned to look at him. “He’s not going to tell you, and it really isn’t your business,” Sam stood up and went over to the bar giving the rest of the team a little space. There was silence for a long time. Everyone switching between looking at each other, where Steve disappeared to, and where Sam left. 

“Jarvis? Are there any records as to why Steve was arrested?” Tony spoke while pulling something up from his wrist.

“Those records are sealed sir. They can not be accessed by anyone except law enforcement and Steve Rogers himself,” The Avengers sit while Tony continues to mess with his holograms.

“He probably got arrested because he was fighting or something. I don’t understand why he’s so sensitive about it. I’ve been arrested plenty of times,” Nat pokes Clint with her foot.

“Clint you are expected to get arrested. I mean look at you. He’s probably worried it will ruin Captain America’s image,” All eyes are drawn to Tony as he quits moving and just sits back a hand moving over his mouth. Bruce moves over to sit next to Tony.

“What did you find?” Tony doesn’t speak which puts all of the Avengers on edge. Bruce takes the tech Tony was using and pulls up the hologram he was looking at. He reads through it and every Avenger watches as a look of pain comes over his face. It peaks all of their curiosity. Bruce doesn’t say anything just silently passes the device to Natasha. The device is passed around the group until it end up back at Tony. They all sit there stunned unsure of what to do. No one speaks. No one wants to say it out loud. No one wants to admit it to themselves. If they admit it then that means it’s true. Steve who says he can do this all day. 

He was sitting in the hospital knowing where he was going after he was well enough. Bucky was waiting on the other side of the door. He wasn’t supposed to survive it. Bucky is already trying to cover the medicine and keep a roof over their heads. He was suppose to eliminate the burden not make it worse. He didn’t want to face Bucky when he walked through the door or well more accurately curtain. His hands were tied to the bed. So were his feet. He could still feel his lungs choked up full of mucus. 

The curtain is pulled back and Steve sees Bucky. He is still in his work clothes and there dirt under his nails and on his elbows, but his hands look recently washed. He glances up at Bucky’s face and at the tears turns to face the wall. After he walks through the curtain closes and Bucky comes to stand by the bed. They both sit in silence. Bucky doesn’t ask why. He already knows the answer and doesn’t like it. Steve can’t bare to look in Bucky direction.

“Steve look at me,” Steve keeps his eyes stubbornly on the wall. When he doesn’t turn them he feels his face being turned. “You know what is going to happen next,” Steve nods. He will most likely spend the next month in jail if he’s lucky. He is going to become a pariah of society more than he already is. If Bucky stays in contact with him there are going to be a lot of whispers. By trying to fix the problem he only made it worse.

He tried to turn his head away, but Bucky had a firm grip. “Steve you are going to fight all day every day. You are going to keep fighting till the end of the line,” Bucky moved his head into Steve’s line of sight.

“I can’t do it,” Bucky grew stern. More stern than Steve had ever seen him. “I can’t say something like that. I would be lying.”

“Then you are going to lie. You are going to say it so much that it will drive you crazy. You are going to say it so much that I will joke about it. You are going to say it so much that you’ll believe it. Say it,” Steve hesitated but said it.

“I can do this all day,” It was stuttered but he got it out.

“Say it again,”

“I can do this all day,” It was said in the same voice as before.

“You’re going to keep saying that over and over. I don’t care what anyone says. Say it again,”

“I can do this all day,”

“You are going to do it all day until the end of the line. Say it again,”

“I can do this all day."

Bucky made him repeat it over and over again. He said it so many times his throat went dry. When Bucky had to leave for the night Steve would repeat it to himself finding comfort in the repeated phrase. When he was well enough and the police came and took him to the jail he repeated it. By the time he was released it was driving him crazy. After a couple years Bucky was able to joke about him saying it. When he joined the war he really started to believe it.

“I can do this all day. Till the end of the line.”

While the Avengers were sitting absorbing the information they just discovered they didn’t notice Sam standing at the doorway. He stood there for a while with his arms crossed scanning each of Steve’s teammates.

“I told you not to look,” A couple people jumped, but some showed no reaction at all. 

“Why?” The question comes from Tony. He looks the most distraught. He is also the one that held Steve on the highest pedestal whether he realized it or not.

“Why not. It was right after his mom died. He was living with Bucky, and it was the middle of winter. He was incredibly sick and Bucky was working three jobs to keep a roof over their heads and get the medicine Steve needed. They were barely able to afford food, and sometimes only got one meal a day. Steve was tired of being a burden. He knew he was holding Bucky down, and there was no way he would be able to provide for himself so he decided that was the best way. He’s not proud of it, but he still thinks it was the right decision,” That caused a reaction in everyone. They had all had horrible lives. Bruce understood what it was like to want to end it all knowing that he will hurt more people than he can help. It was hard to see Steve as someone other than someone who will always stand back up.

“I should talk with him,” Bruce stood up, but Sam stopped him.

“He doesn’t want anyone to know. It was only because I found it in an abandoned file that he told me. Don’t talk to him about it unless you want him to run off and close you out. Treat him the same and pretend you don’t know. For his sake of mind if nothing else,” All of the Avengers nodded. Some more reluctantly than others, but they all agreed. 

It was an unspoken truth between them that was never spoken of again. Sometimes someone would almost say something. It would be on the tip of their tongues, but some invisible force reminded them not to. Not even when the world was ending did they say anything. Steve left to finish his search for Bucky and didn’t see any of them until Ultron. They all knew though. They all knew Steve tried to kill himself.


	2. Chapter 2

When Bucky started living in the tower his memories came back in patches. He was doing a lot better, and was able to function, but not all of his memories were there. They would hit him hard and fast. Sometimes something would remind him of something and other times they came out of nowhere. The first time it happened it surprised everyone. Barnes just collapsed and no one knew what to do. Before any of them could make a decision he was awake and sitting up. He dismissed their concerns and left staying in his room for the rest of the day.

It became a common occurrence and they would leave him alone anytime it happened giving him time to compose himself. That is why this time it was so different. He collapsed and everyone waited until he woke up and walked off, but that never happened. He woke up, but he didn’t leave. They were all shocked to see tears in his eyes. He doesn’t seem to notice them. He walks over to Steve and slaps him. Before anyone can react he starts yelling.

“You said till the end of the line to me. You said it as you gave up. You knew I didn’t know what that meant. You were giving up as you said it,” Steve’s face becomes one mixed with horror and sadness. Barnes was full of anger and hurt. The Avengers realize whatever Barnes remembered held a history that was powerful. They knew they should leave and give the two men room, but none of them could move. 

“Buck,” Steve tries to interrupt Barnes, but he’s not having it.

“You don’t get to Buck me. I can do this all day till the end of the line,” All of the Avengers had heard Steve say he could do this all day. They never thought much of it until now. The look on Steve face made even the coldest person wince. It was a look so full of emotion and hidden meaning that even Natasha couldn’t decipher the meaning of it. 

“I told you I couldn’t,”

“You did it anyways,”

“You weren’t there,”

“Except I was,”

“I’m still here aren’t I?” Natasha was finally able to start putting together a picture. She was there when Steve was found half dead on the shore. This must have something to do with that.

“You almost weren’t,” They watch as Bucky’s voice cracks. “You almost weren’t.” Steve opens his mouth like he’s going to say something and stops.

“A month,” Bucky practically whispers it.

“I know.”

“You scared me,” Steve’s eyes are staring at his feet. It’s so different from his usual confident attitude.

“I know.”

“Say something else,” Bucky voice hardens again.

“Like what?” Steve finally meets Bucky’s eyes. “Like that I repeated the saying everyday. That I fought as hard as I could so that they would believe me and let me go? I am still here. Can’t that be proof enough?” Steve’s begging only making the hold on everyone stronger. Not allowing them to escape.

“Steve. You don’t know what it was like when I came home to find you,” he trails off. “You were going to let me. Til the end of the line. You forgot the first part punk,” The tension eases out of both men’s shoulders.

“I know jerk,” They stand there not saying anything. Steve’s eyes finally slide over to his teammates. The teammates that had heard the entire conversation. The teammates that were going to have questions he couldn’t answer. He leaves. He’s a coward for it, but he leaves. They know.

“What was that?” Tony is the first to speak. They all had the same question in their mind though.

“That was,” Barnes runs a hand over his face, “Steve spent a month in jail,” And then it clicked. Everything slid into place and the conversation made sense. “He….” Barnes tries to force the words out, but they don’t want to leave his throat.

“We know dude,” Clint puts a hand on Barnes shoulder, but he only looks at them in confusion.

“Steve told you?” There is skepticism in his voice that has every right to be there.

“No, we found out. It never came up before now, so we all agreed to keep our mouth shut. He seemed fine, and he had Sam,” Nat looks at Barnes and he seems to understand that they were going to let Steve keep his privacy. “I’ll go talk to him and tell him that we know. I think it would be best coming from me,” She leaves in the same direction Steve left. 

He doesn’t answer the door at first. After ten minutes of standing and knocking she uses Jarvis’ override code and gets into his room.  
“Steve?” She walks into his living room. 

“I know you have questions,” Steve is sitting on the couch and sounds miserable. She sits next to him. He won’t meet her eyes and she doesn’t try to make him. She puts a hand on his knee though and can feel how on edge he is.

“Actually we don’t,” He moves his head and stares in confusion. “We found out about 2 years ago,” Relief and panic wash over his face. 

“What?” So she explains. She explains that after that night of them joking around Tony did a little digging expecting something embarrassing like drugs or Steve getting into a fight. How they decided it was his business and they wouldn’t say anything if he didn’t want to talk about it.

“I am both relieved and horrified that you know,” Steve breathes out a laugh, but it’s choked.

“It’s okay. None of us are going to judge. We have all done stuff in our past. Your not even the only one. Come here,” She pulls him into a hug. He resists at first, but then leans into her. They sit like that for a couple of minutes. “Why don’t we watch a movie?” He pulls back and covers himself with a blanket. She pulls the remote off of the coffee table and starts scrolling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo there is going to be a part three. I really want some Wanda and Steve fluff so I'll be adding her. This chapter is post ultron, and yes I did have Bucky come back. I was originally going to scrap this chapter, but it actually turned into something legible so here we are. Let me know if you want Wanda to find out or not. I love to hear what you think even if it's short so don't be afraid to leave comments or questions. Part three will probably be out by the end of the month, but at the absolute latest the end of June.


	3. Chapter 3

Wanda’s power’s were erratic, and she needed to learn to hone them. She knew how to bring up someone’s worst fear, but her telepathic abilities were severely lacking. That’s why Steve recommended the exercise. It was a simple exercise that should be easy for her. She was going to skim the thoughts of his mind. It would barely take a second. 

They moved to the training center to get started. Steve was sitting cross legged on the training mats. Wanda sat next to him nervous energy radiating off of her. She had control of her power, and she was good at using it, but it focused largely on her emotions. Natasha was watching in case something happened. She was relaxed though. Didn’t expect anything to go wrong.

Wanda brought her hand up to Steve’s head. It wasn’t until he nodded that she let her magic flow. She skimmed his thoughts and at first it was going well. He was thinking of training exercises and was very relaxed. She went to pull out when her consciousness brushed against an overwhelming emotion. She tried to pull out, but the pull was too strong. Her emotions overcame her and she was pulled in.

She turned and looked around her. It was dark, but she knew where everything was. She was in a small apartment that had a tub in a kitchen and couch cushions with a blanket and two pillows on them. She noticed a small ratty mattress next to the cushions. There were mud tracks that were right inside the doorway and it looked like a pair of shoes were missing. There were no windows in the apartment, but she could feel the chill from outside.

She heard shuffling and saw a tiny person moving around in the apartment. There wasn’t anywhere to move in the apartment, but he was still shuffling around. She could feel the emotions of the person. The wave of helplessness. The anger rolled off of the person in waves making the world seem so cruel and horrible. The anger was only a result of the helplessness though. The man felt like he was useless. He was a burden to those around him, and everyone knew it. He knew it, his neighbors knew it, and any employer knew it. The only person who wouldn’t accept it was his friend.

He was just well enough to be walking around. He couldn’t go into work, and had been fired. Bucky had to work twice a much as regular to afford meds, food, and rent. Wanda realized for the first time who the small man was. It was the man whose mind she was in. It was Steve Rogers. She was surprised to feel all of those emotions from him. He was always so strong and confident. To feel so angry and helpless and desperate. She wanted to hug him, but there was nothing she could do because this was the past. 

She tried to pull out thinking this was the memory, and this is where it was over. In a little apartment that was too dark to see clearly. She couldn’t pull out though she was still stuck. The emotions were becoming overwhelming and the feeling of not being enough was screaming all around her. It was terrifying and she wanted out. The man finally found what he was looking for and was moving. In what little light there was she saw the glint of a knife.

The emotions were swirling around her, and she realized it was because she felt what Steve felt in that moment, and her stomach started trying to rise through her throat. Steve moved to the bathtub and was sitting in it. She tried to run to him and stop what she didn’t know, but she was rooted in her spot. He lifted the knife and she shut her eyes. Her hands covered her entire face as if it could prevent her from knowing. This was Steve’s mind though. She felt the pain on his wrists, and the feeling of relaxation. The feeling that the world was now a better place. Her vision faded to black as Steve sunk into the unconscious state of death.

As soon as her vision returned she retched. She felt a hand on her back soothing her as she emptied the contents of her stomach. She felt a cold sweat all over her body, and she was shaking. When she turned to Steve she couldn’t help the sobs that escaped through her mouth. He pulled her into him and she sobbed into his chest. She grabbed his shirt just to remember that he was still alive and safe. Natasha approached to help, but at Steve’s hand she left the room giving them privacy.

Wanda continued to sob for several minutes, and Steve just held her. He knew what she was feeling and how powerful those emotions could be. So he let her cry and sob and grab onto him just sitting there and being a rock that she needed. Once her sobs turned to hiccups and his shirt was wet from tears she started to look up. She looked at his with fear. Knowing those kind of emotions don’t just disappear.  
“What was that?” She wasn’t sure she wanted an answer, but she would wait for it anyways. A sad look passed over Steve’s face. One that knew exactly what she saw, and wished she could unsee it.

“There was a point in my life where everything was going wrong. Where I was a burden. Bucky was working sunrise to sundown while I lay in bed sick. He was tired and exhausted and I saw it on his face every night when he came home and made sure my temperature was down and that I had food. I didn’t want that for him. I knew I was never going to have much of a life. I wasn’t going to live past thirty, and I would never have kids,” Wanda stared at her hands while he talked, and he was glad for it.

“Bucky found me and took me to the hospital. I never tried again,” Tears were still falling down her eyes.

“Feelings like those don’t just disappear,” They both knew the hidden question there.

“They don’t,” Wanda choked back another sob, and Steve continued, “They do fade though. I had Bucky who cared for me more than I ever deserved. He showed me the definition of what it means to fight even when all seems lost. Once I joined the army and started a group called the Howling Commandos I found a family. A woman who I wanted to have a family with, and men who were like brothers,” Steve paused needing a second to recollect himself.

“They helped remind me that only I know my value. No one else can put a value on me. If I think I am worthless to the world that is exactly what I am. If I believe I can make a difference and am a good man, than I am. I started to believe that I was more than my impact on other people. I was someone who was important for myself. I found my purpose in life. Even when I woke up in the future, it was incredibly difficult. I knew that I couldn’t live for anyone other than myself. A wise woman once told me “I know my value. ‘Anyone else’s opinion doesn’t really matter’ and that is the truest thing ever. The emotions don’t disappear. It is a painfully long process, but I came out a stronger and better man because of it,” Wanda felt relief at his words. Relief that he no longer felt that way, but also relief that there is another side. He pulled her into him and they sat side by side in silence. 

“Are you okay?” She wanted to know that she didn’t hurt him as well as that he was actually okay.

“I am,” He kissed the top of her head and stood up pulling her up with him. “Why don’t we stop there today. We can try again tomorrow, but I need something to eat.” She was glad for the change of topic and followed him to the kitchen. 

She learned more than she thought she would today. Not only about her mentor, but about life. Losing Pietro was the most pain that she had ever felt. It was soul crushing and felt like it would never be gone. Steve never said she had to forget those feelings, but only she could decide how much she would let those emotions rule her life. Pietro loved her, and he died protecting people. That was his choice, and her choice was to remember his memory by helping people. She followed Steve into the kitchen and he made her lunch. For the first time since she could remember she felt hope for her future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was difficult to write because I was terrified it would bring up unwanted feelings and memories. So I wrote this with the thoughts in mind that there is another side to depression. Life might seem hopeless and getting better might feel impossible, but it doesn't happen overnight. It took almost two years before I felt I had reached the other side. I would fall back into the feeling of not being good enough and not having energy to do anything. Little things would set it off and it made life horrible, but I listened to the Lord's calling in my life and He gave me the strength to overcome ever feeling of doubt that I had. I now am happy, and know who I am, not based on what other people think of me, but what I think of myself.

**Author's Note:**

> I was not expecting to publish this. I started it before Endgame and it was suppose to be just a drabble to get it out of my mind. It turned into a semi-story. If you want a second part let me know, but otherwise I will leave it as is.


End file.
